you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize