I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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