Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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