You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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