The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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