is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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