dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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