I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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