i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
