My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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