The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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