You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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