So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
