apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
