she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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