I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
