I met the friendliest cop last night
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
