Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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