yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's official drugs can't kill me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
