I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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