I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize