Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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