i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize