I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
