Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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