Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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