Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
