Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize