I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
