the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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