Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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