I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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