I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
