I just threw up on my dentist
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize