I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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