Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
