I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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