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I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize