I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
