my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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