I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
