im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We had to coat check the pizza.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
