My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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