can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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