last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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