Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
