Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize