So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
