I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
