i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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