The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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