my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
