yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
