listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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