I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize