I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
