I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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